Tough Decision

We didn’t manage to close the deal coz what they’re asking for is too much. So I’ve enlisted the help of my ex-colleague who is a part time property agent. So more on that later.

I went to the SPCA yesterday. I saw Hope. They cut away her eyebrow & beard until I couldn’t recognize her. It was a bittersweet meeting. I walked up towards her cage & squatted down. Immediately, she got up & hopped towards me. Then she pressed her nose against the 2 fingers that I stuck inside the cage, sniffing them. The whole time I was there, she only barked at a boy who passed by her cage. You can tell a lot about a person or in this case a dog just by looking into their eyes. Her eyes are lifeless, as if she had given up the will to live. She just lay down in front of me, not even seeking attention unlike the other dogs there. I can’t offer her a home. I’m completely helpless to her situation. I can only pray that a kind soul will provide her with a loving home. It’s the least she deserves after who knows how long of neglect.

As we were on the bus on our way home, Jeff said that he can be a nurse becoz he feels compassion for people. He said that I should be a vet assistant becoz I feel so much for animals. I wondered why I didn’t thought of that before. Unlike being with humans, animals can feel that we’re not malevolent even without words. Although it may sound cold, but Jeff is right. I do feel more for animals than for humans. I feel for humans but not as much as I feel for animals & their plight.

Now I have to make a decision. The counselor doesn’t recommend that we adopt Hope coz we’re 1st timers & may not be able to cope with her disabilities. Do I go ahead & adopt her? I’ll leave it to fate. If she’s still around when I get my flat I’ll adopt her. Only then can I give her a proper home.

My Love Life & Such

I’ve never really talked about my love life here. Well, this blog is supposed to be my every day life & how I deal (or not) with issues. So here it goes.

If you know me, you’ll probably know that I’m attached & have been for 2½ years. All this time Jeff & I have our fair share of major fights & minor tiffs. At the end of the day, (actually, it’s within mins) we have no problem with reconciliation. We’re fiercely attached to each other. Turning our back against each other is just too unbearable. I guess that’s why we’re so right for each other.

Few months ago in Sept, we decided on a bridal studio & placed a deposit. Since then, we had lots of discussions & more arguments as to when we’re tying the knot. Jeff’s very worried that his parents will think that we’re not financially stable yet. We’re not. But I keep telling him that you should never wait till you’re able to start planning. Starting a home from sketch is & can be a growing process for us. We both agreed that it’s a bliss to slowly build our way up. Kinda like playing The Sims. You start off with a crappy job, with crappy pay & buy crappy furniture. Once the money starts coming in, you sell away the old & get new & better items. That’s where the satisfaction lies.

We’re seriously thinking of getting our solemnization done this year on our 3rd year anniversary which is less than ½ a year away. The problem is how to break the news to his parents. The traditional will have to wait till we have enough $. Since we’ve been thinking about starting out, we’ve also been thinking about getting what we’ve always wanted but never had the chance to own. A pet dog. Hence the research I’ve been doing for the past few days.

Jeff likes bulldog becoz it’s ugly. I like mini schnauzer. I told him I can compromise by getting a pug. (I truly like it. Besides, bulldogs are not allowed in HDBs.) He told me it’s alright & I can get my mini schnauzer. Now I’m not so sure. So many dogs were & are continuing to be abandoned by people. I hated what is happening to these poor little creatures. I’ve read so many accounts of abuse, hit & run or simply tossing the dogs into the bushes for them to die. Jeff totally supports the idea of adopting & giving 1 of many to have a 2nd chance at life.

My heart went out to a dog name Hope. She was found abandoned & has only 3 legs. But I can’t bring her home becoz my mom doesn’t like the mess. I don’t have a house of my own yet. I can only pray that Hope will go to a nice family who will treat her well. I couldn’t sleep last night thinking about her. Then, in today’s Straits Times, I saw my ideal flat in the ad for selling! We’ve been looking out for months but nothing came up at that specific block. I’ve contacted the agent & I really hope that we can clinch it.
I’ve always believed that no matter how bad the situation is, things will eventually work themselves out even though I may be depressed about it for a while. Is this a sign? Am I meant to save Hope? I just wish that she has not been put to sleep. I wish that I’ll be in time.

Then What?

It's been a while & I honestly wish I could say great things had been happening to me. But life is never that simple isn't it? I reread 'My Fav. Rock' & some thoughts came to my mind. If I have no talents, then what is the only thing that I can improve on? At this moment, I have no answer.

I don’t know what to do with my life. At the same time, I don’t want to look back many years later & regret not having done anything to enrich my life. We’ve always done things that we’re not passionate about. Becoz in this world, practicality is the key to survival. I don’t know. Maybe a significant portion of people are doing what they love for a living. But I also know a lot of us aren’t. Why? Becoz unless you’re very good at what you love, you probably won’t earn enough. How much is enough? Enough to me means not having to worry about how to make ends meet.

Really, I’m no longer a teenager. & these are the things that a teenager should already contemplate. What do we want out of our life?

Do you stick to a job you hate becoz the pay is good? Then what? 1 day you’re gonna die & leave everything earthly behind. Money, loved ones, material possessions. The question again is, then what? You do a job you love but the pay sucks. Every month you worry about bills & stuff. 1 day you die & maybe it’s a good thing becoz you have no more worries. Again, then what?

I will like to believe that when we die, we go to some place safe & free of worries, where everyone is never in need. A place full of happiness. Heaven. But I’ve not seen anything that suggests that heaven exists. You say, have faith. & faith means believing without seeing. & I’ll like to ask you. How to have faith in this rotting world? In the past I’ll like to think that I’m generally a good person. Not committing murder or drug trafficking or whatever it is that criminals do.

But no. I’m not a good person. Becoz now I believe being good means not bringing hurt or harm to another. That is the basis of all things. All the offences that are labeled ‘bad’ in our world are all becoz they bring hurt & harm to others. Now, can all of us honestly say that we’ve never hurt another person in our life? Be it physically, mentally or emotionally? Intentionally or not. I can safely tell you that no one is good. Oh yes, we try to be. But we will never succeed. In our own ways, we always hurt the people around us. This fact will never change. That is why I don’t have faith.