Jo On Growing Up

Today's the last day of school. So I expect that the night will be a quiet one. It's also my last 12 hour shift. I'll be working 4 hours from 8 am to 12 noon, Mondays to Fridays from next week till 5th Jan which is my last day.

I stood in front of the mirror & having spotted a strand of white hair, got working on plucking it off. Then I went in search of more white strands to pull out. It's a habit. I prefer to do it at work coz the lighting here is much brighter than at home, allowing me to see more clearly. :P I don't know how long I was in front of the mirror but by the time I stopped, I was sweating with the effort.

A lot of things went through my mind. It usually happens when I'm exercising without using my brain. Like jogging & swimming. This time, it was when I was plucking my white hair. I noticed my 1st white hair when I was in Primary 6. I remember feeling really embarrassed whenever someone told me that I have white hair, especially at such a tender age. Luckily for me, I have thick hair & the whites hardly showed. But now it doesn't bother me much anymore. Coz if I see it, I'll pluck it off. :P

Then my thoughts drifted to my schooling years. I was always the odd 1 out, the quietest in class, the loner. I never had many friends becoz people didn't want to be friends with me. It's the same even now. I'm not as quiet as I was back then but I know I'm still the quiet girl in everybody's eyes. Even in Kindergarden, I only remembered being close to 1 or 2 girls.

When I was in Primary School, I regarded this girl, Cheryl, as a good friend. But the friendship lasted for about a week only. I still remembered her words to me. "I don't want to be friends with you becoz I've got other friends already." I stopped sticking to her after that. Then I had a 'best friend', Karen who subsequently started hanging out with the '4 beauties' in my class. I was quite hurt when I saw in other people's autograph book (more like biography book) that she wrote my name under the 'good friends' list.

When I tried to be more chatty, I always said the wrong things & pissed people off. I guess it was becoz I never could find the right things to say, never could defend myself. There was a group project & nobody wanted to do it with me. I approached Karen & asked to be included in her group of 2. She was quite reluctant as they had already started on the project. She finally gave in. I was excited & I was telling her, "Wo zhui hui decoration de. (I'm very good in decoration.)". In reply, she said, "You know what I dislike about you? That you think you're so good in decoration. I didn't even want you in the group. You shouldn't even share our points with us becoz we're already halfway done." (All conversations were in Mandarin.) I kept quiet. But what I meant was that decoration was the best thing I do. It wasn't supposed to mean that I was superior than them in decoration.

In Secondary School, I withdrew even more into myself. Since I could never say the right thing, why say anything at all? For the 1st 3 months in Sec 1, I tagged along with a group of girls. They were the rebels in class, cheating in tests, phone calls late into the night. I never felt comfortable with them but it was better than being alone right? Selona was sitting behind me & she gave me this string game that got quite popular. It was in a bunch. I didn't believe that she would be so good to me. So I tried to open it up, I found that there was a dead knot in the string, making it unusable. I put it back on her desk when she wasn't looking. A few mins later, I noticed that the string was no longer on her table. Immediately, I got up & looked at my chair. She had thrown the string in between my back & the chair's backing. I finally broke free after this incident.

I hooked up with Huimin, who was the odd 1 out too. The 2 of us became really close. I joined St John's in Sec 2 & got to know a girl called Huiwen. From then on, the 3 of us were inseparable & were known as the 3 Huis (my Chinese name is Si Hui). I got to know Jonathan from St John's. In fact, he was the 1 who urged me to join. I then got to know Sam from Jon. Secondary School was the worst years of my schooling life. I was the target of the class bullies who spat in my books, threw my things between themselves, called me names like fatty. They really got to me. I stopped eating & would only eat 1 meal a day (dinner). By the time I got to end of Sec 2, I weighed 48kg. I would get approached by guys outside & it was a pride & joy to me. The bullying continued till we went to different classes in Sec 3.

I lost contact with Huiwen after leaving school. Subsequently, I lost contact with Huimin too. The last I know of her, she was really into Jehova's Witnesses. If there were any good things that came out of my Secondary School life, it was that I got to know Jon & Sam, who both, after so many years still make effort to keep in contact. We meet in average, about once every 1 or 2 months.

Then I went to NYP to study nursing. In our tutorial group of about 20, we had to form sub-groups of 4 to 5. The 5 of us were, Gen, Il Fan (Lifen), Serena, Xiao Dong & myself. We were the least close to Serena who was our group leader. She was the perfectionist & it was difficult working with her. For a period of time, I was quite close to Xiao Dong & even went to her hometown in Hainan with her in Year 2. But throughout, I was the closest to Gen & Lifen. Again, I lose contact with Serena the moment we graduated. I met Xiao Dong several times after graduation but lost her HP number when I changed my phone (her number was probably in the phone memory). I still meet Gen & Lifen though not as frequently as I meet the guys. So I will say that Poly years were the best of my schooling life.

I went to serve bond & got to know Jeff. After being together for so long, of course I'm comfortable with him & can talk about anything under the sun. But to everyone else, I still find it extremely hard to hold a conversation. I'm like a puppy who was separated from its mom too early, never able to learn the proper ethics/behaviours. My colleagues were & are never friends. I don't talk to them about my personal life, I don't go to them with my problems.

Perhaps I've seen too many of backstabbing that I can't trust people. I just can't trust them with my thoughts, my feelings. You'll never know when the information will be used against you. Sometimes, I really really want to be good friends with people. But I find that I can't include myself in their conversation becoz I really really don't know what to say. When presented with a choice of saying the wrong things or keeping quiet, I'll always choose the latter. But believe me, when something happens, be it good or bad, even if I don't say anything, my heart feels for you.

If part of growing up means coming to terms with your own short comings & finally appreciating yourself for who you really are, then perhaps I have succeeded partially. I want to work towards what's truly important. A quote from my favourite book when I was a teenager summed it up: "Do no harm. Return good for evil." - The Forbidden Game by L. J. Smith.