Sleepless Night
Sleep eludes me. That's why I'm posting at this hour when I'm on morning shift tomorrow. A lot of thoughts running through my mind. Plagues me till I feel too overwhelmed to continue lying there in the dark.
A poly friend of mine is getting married. I'm happy for her naturally. I'm reminded of how uninvolved I am. Not that I don't want to but we're not as close as we were back then. She has a few really close female friends from sec sch & I can never achieve that kind of intimate friendship with her. To do that, I have to break into their clique & when all's said & done, they're my friend's friends. They see me as such & I couldn't get them to warm up to me.
I don't really have many friends. The only 2 whom I kept in contact with are my sec sch mates & though we agreed that we're buddies, there's so much in their life that I don't know of. Jon'll only tell me weeks & sometimes months after something happened. I know I suck at giving advice & awkward silence envelops us. But sometimes I wish I can have the privilege of sharing their 'now' instead of their 'then'.
I wonder what am I living for. Ok, I look forward to getting married. Then having kids. Then retiring. Then do I look forward to death? We keep saying that we have to find the meaning in our life. I said I want to look for my way of life. I'm sick & tired of the hypocrisy surrounding me. But ain't I a hypocrite myself, often not meaning what I said? Why have I succumb to authority?
I don't backstab people. Neither do I say bad things behind people's back. These are the rules I live by. So why am I the odd 1 out? Just becoz I don't know how to get into other people's good books? Just becoz I choose to keep quiet & refuse to join in when bad comments are passed to me about others knowing that at another time it'll be me they're talking about? Can someone please tell me what is wrong with me?
It's a lonely life. I have only 1 who's my absolute total confidant. I know somewhere there's someone who has none, choosing to bear the weight of the world by himself. What are we living for? To hold one another up when their knees buckle? If that is true, why am I still feeling so desolated?
posted by Rookie Jo at 12:03 AM
1 Comments:
It's normal to feel "left out" when ur close friend gets married and u din contribute to it. Everyone wans to help and contribute, but think of it this way, if she were to invite everyone to help, wouldn't it be very chaotic? So wat can u do? Just be present at the wedding and give her your deepest and most sincere blessings. It's more than enough for her.
A close friend is never easy to find and good friends doesn't have to see each other every other day to know that they will stick out for each other when the time calls for it. U aren't the oddball around, it's just that you were unlucky to meet with such pple in your first job after school. The society is filled with full of jerks like 'em, but that doesn't mean that good souls doesn't exist. Take a look around at those who are good to you and start counting your blessings. And u have one confidante, rite? One confidante is worth 10,000 accquaintances. Don't take things too hard. Life's too short to be always unhappy.
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