Yesterday... All My Troubles Are Not Too Far Away...

I was on afternoon yesterday. The 1st thing I have to do is to help out so the morning girls can have lunch. Even before stepping in, I can hear Dr T's voice. When I saw him shouting & yelling his head off, I felt that my decision to quit is justified. Mr H (my nursing officer) was helping out, trying to sort out the various problems. After the whole case was over, Dr T went to complain to Sister K. As I was helping out in clearing the place, I overheard Sister K talking to Mr H, asking him why this & this went wrong.

I felt that instead of trying to point the blame on Mr H, why not tell Dr T that the fault is not with us? It's not our fault that the DVD he brought in doesn't work. It's not our fault that he used up all the gas so we have to change the cylinder. It's not that we didn't do all the checking of equipment. This is a screwed up place. The Sisters say I'm not vocal enough. What's the point in saying anything when all they're gonna do is defend the Drs? I'm sick & tired of hearing, "The Drs are like that. Just 1 ear in & 1 ear out."

Jeff says that as nurses, we're not slaves to the Drs. We're colleagues. So why aren't we being treated more humanely? I told him that Drs will argue that the nurses aren't competent, not fast enough, can't anticipate what they want. He said, then why not get Drs to assist them? HOs to assist MOs. MOs to assist Reg. Reg to assist Consultants. No nurses. Since the Drs can better anticipate & are conpetent. See whether they can do a better job at keeping the costs down, keeping the instruments tidy for easy retrieval. I told him that it's not up to me. He said he'll make a difference & if he's fired for speaking for nurses' rights, so be it.

We all started out with a desire to change the fate of nurses. But along the way, we lose that vision from seeing how naive we've always been. That we can't make a difference without raking up consequences like getting fired. We're here to earn a living. Losing the job isn't going to help. I do hope he can succeed. I hope that he won't lose hope. He's the only 1 I've seen who is brave enough to even entertain the thought so far.

BTW, my driving test is next Friday & I'm still unable to book revision slots. I'm doomed! I haven't drove for more than a month. The skills will be there. I can still operate the car. Just the checking of mirrors will be a problem. & I have HAVE to rememeber to change back to gear 1 after stopping. I'm very bad with the circuit courses. I'm bad with lane changing. When I U-turn on a narrow kerb the front of the car always eats into the 3rd lane. The only thing I'm good at is driving off after stopping on a slope. & I always panic when people sound their horn at me. What to do? I'm following the speed limit & they're speeding & yet they still dare to horn at me.

I have a job interview coming. I know it's early but I gotta secure a job 1st. If I successfully get the job, I'll have 1 thing less to worry about. 3 more months... How am I going to survive? I know I've been here for more than a yr. You'll ask me if I can survive a yr, why not 3 more months? Then you've never been in the same state & felt the despair I'm feeling. I know despite my complains, I'll grit it out to the end. That's the only way to go.